Ooh this is interesting to me! I've definitely had some of these weird awkward moments and I think it's so true, as a woman you have to be kind of careful. I was travelling by myself in Rome a couple years ago and I took myself out for dinner at this restaurant across the street from my hotel. I was sitting at a table outside and there was another guy sitting at a table by himself also (I think we were the only ones outside).
One of those guys came by (I think this is not so common in Spain maybe, but very common in Italy) selling little trinkets and bracelets. But at that time I didn't really understand what was going on so when he put the bracelet down on the table, I thought he was just giving it to me😂 (very naive I know)! So when he started demanding I give him money for it I was kind of flustered and just handed him a couple of euros even though I didn't really want to buy it.
Anyway the guy sitting at the table near me saw the whole thing, and I remember I looked at him and kind of chuckled, like laughing at myself for being such a dumb tourist. I just felt like we were two strangers sharing this little moment of camaraderie but he took it as an invitation to get up and ask if he could sit at my table and have dinner with me... Which was so not what I wanted! I had been looking forward to just having a quiet dinner by myself, and suddenly this man had invited himself over to my table because I'd smiled at him. I really didn't know how to say no (it would have been so awkward saying no and then having to stare at him over at the next table for my whole dinner) so I said yes, but I remember the conversation was just really stilted. Probably because my heart was so not in it. He wanted to go out after and I just made my excuses and headed back to my hotel😬
I'm sure he was a nice enough guy, but that day really did make me realize how a lot of men will take simple friendliness as something more. Sometimes I feel more reserved with my energy, but when I'm in a more extroverted mood it can be interesting sometimes seeing how what I'm perceiving as being friendly is taken as a deliberate invitation.
I really enjoyed this article, you definitely made me reflect😆
Skylar, thank you for sharing this story! Your experience in Rome perfectly captures the dilemma I was trying to describe. That moment when a simple shared smile over a funny situation somehow transforms into an unwanted dinner companion... I've been in similar situations where saying 'no' feels more awkward than enduring the interaction.
It's exactly that fine line between friendly acknowledgment and perceived invitation that can be so tricky to navigate. Like you, I sometimes find myself being more reserved just to avoid these misinterpretations.
And I see on myself how I get cautious when I travel solo. This trip I also had an encounter with a man first asking me for directions, then immediately as I told him where to go, he wanted to go for drinks with me and was telling me things like: "You look like you are afraid. Why are you so stiff? What are you afraid of? Don't be afraid! Ease, live your life."
What did he think I was afraid of? I am afraid of strange men telling me to not be afraid (duh).
Your story is such a perfect example of this dynamic. I really appreciate you taking the time to share it.
I have my fair share of moments like these. And I'm curious too how men react when us woman, look at them because we are curious about something not because we like them or some sort.
Maybe it's cultural, not a gender thing. You are in a strange country, Spain, and Skylar was in Rome. In other countries is perfectly normal make eye contact and even it's rude to look away without a small and polite greeting. Because in this countries, the lenguage, as Spanish or Italian, are lenguage who are contextual. So on many occasions someone could stare at you and don't have bad intensions, and sometimes they have it, it depends on the context.
Thank you for bringing up the cultural dimension! You make a really good point about how norms around eye contact and greetings vary across different countries.
I've noticed these differences during my travels too - some places definitely have more open social customs than others. Spanish and Italian cultures do tend to be more expressive and contextual in their communication. For example, where I'm from (Slovakia), people are much more reserved and it's completely the opposite - we don't politely greet strangers, nor do we make much eye contact. If you look at someone, smile, or greet them, people are more likely to frown at you like "what are you staring at?" rather than greeting you back! 😅
Also, when I travel solo I tend to be more cautious in general.
I try to stay aware of local customs when traveling, but I've found some patterns repeat regardless of location. Still, your comment is a good reminder not to view every interaction through just one lens!
Have you noticed differences in how these dynamics play out in various cultures you've experienced?
Of course when the person travel alone is preferably stay alert, and is better be rude that regret 😉. But, obviously, I talk from my experience. For example, as a woman (women?? 🤔) I could be able to make eye contact with many men (man??), without the sexual or even harrasment from their part. Just a smile or a greeting and everyone continue with their life. However, the French is known for that kind a way to search for sex, if the person stare directly, is indication that both part want that (sorry for my bad writing).
Whoa! This is a whole new perspective I'm getting to read. I have a few takes on this. However, I'll share one that comes to the top of my head:
Most cases, there's a possibility that both i.e. the one staring and the one staring back has some train of thought already running in their heads. So it's like passengers peering from adjacent trains. While their eyes may lock for a brief moment/second, they're both headed the opposite way.
Keeping that in mind I had written this some time last year:
Yes, I agree, that is spot on. Sometimes you are so tangled in your thought or inner world that you don't even realise where are your eyes gazing. Very well said, I like the poem too.
My take on this subject, with some movie recommendations at the bottom:
The fear of connecting with others via the eyes is ultimately a fear of talking to strangers; of disappointing them, turning them down, not knowing what to say. The looking and being noticed can make necessary an exchange that most of us aren't up to nowadays. In older times, people used to have no option but to interact in real life. Today, technology has made it so easy to avoid normal social anxieties that we've drifted to mainly talking through screens, so that we no longer have to risk the social disapproval of saying, out loud, to people we don't know yet, things like "Hi," and "No, but thank you." We even get the feeling that others consider an approach from a stranger unwelcome. We're quick to call people creeps and to refer to interactions as cringe when in fact people are mostly just humans trying to connect in a time of universally acknowledged universal loneliness. This has been made even worse by the unprecedented ideological hatred of recent times -- the trigger-finger, accusation-happy, chronically-high-cortisol environment of the public square. Human connection seems to have been third-railed.
Each of us might as well be living on tiny desert islands, insulated from the hundreds of people all around us who would be, could be, some of our best acquaintances, friends, colleagues, loves. But we seem unaccustomed to and apprehensive about moving around in the real world.
I don't think it's the natural state of things for people to worry about smiling at, looking at, or talking to strangers. We could jettison the timidity of the sterile time we've been bred to and deliberately recapture the spirit of a stronger, braver, more romantic and adventurous time when strangers looking at each other was universally acknowledged to be a normal and welcome part of being human. We shouldn't need to flinch at nominally awkward situations. We just need to relearn what our race (the human one) used to know about getting along.
Some people are born strong in this force, but others may have to cultivate it purposefully, in the course of which it could help to expose oneself to examples of interaction between the sexes via real life, or via books or movies. (The main purpose of art is to show us greatnesses we don't have but that are possible to us.) There might be better examples to be found from older times, before technology and political hatreds ruined everything.
At this late hour, I have no particular items to recommend off the top of my head, but I do remember seeing some great films with interesting characters that have some ways of being that might be worth contemplating. Just for fun, a few examples:
Also possibly instructive or inspiring could be interviews with interesting men and women of great wisdom or experience, many of them from older times.
Thank you for this perspective and the film recommendations! You raise interesting points about how technology has changed our comfort with face-to-face interactions.
While I agree that we've lost something in our retreat from direct human connection, I think there's another layer to consider, especially from a woman's perspective. The hesitation I described isn't just about social awkwardness - it often comes from experiences where women's friendliness has been misinterpreted, sometimes leading to uncomfortable or even unsafe situations.
What feels like 'timidity' from the outside can actually be a practical risk assessment many women have learned to make. It's less about fear of social awkwardness and more about navigating spaces where a simple acknowledgment can be taken as an invitation.
I love your film recommendations! Classic cinema does capture a different approach to social interaction. Elizabeth Bennet is a wonderful example of directness and poise, I need to rewatch that one again. And Hildy Johnson is great!
Do you know where I could watch THE BEST YEARS OF A LIFE? I would love to see that film, the trailer was perfect.
Thank you again for contributing to this conversation with such a thoughtful response.
Is your substack about film recommendations? I somehow can't access your homepage, only the links you sent me.
Being a guy, it was easy for me not to have noticed that other layer you mentioned. I take your point. I'm reminded of the lighthearted (maybe, maybe not) scene from Under the Tuscan Sun where three Italian guys see Frances walking down a cobblestone street in Italy and begin to follow behind her with loud and exaggerated protestations of love and other embarrassing and overwhelming cajolery. Similarly, from real life, I remember an experience related to me by a young American friend who once visited Italy. (I didn't intend to be picking on Italy like this ...) She had sat down on a marble bench in some museum, shortly after which a young Italian man sat down next to her, put his arm around her, and tried to persuade her to marry him. These two examples are just about embarrassment rather than danger, but obviously a whole spectrum of more serious kinds of unwelcome interactions are possible. No doubt about it.
Yeah, there's no way around the fact that there's an asymmetry of physical strength and aggression between the sexes that necessitates some basic risk assessment, as you say. I agree, but I will also say -- and I haven't had your experience or that of many other women -- it's my *suspicion* that the sexes in our society have been pushed in recent years to distrust each other much more than is warranted. Seems to me that the sensationalizing of a minority of scarier incidents and the quiet non-mentioning of a massive majority of examples of people being protective and supportive of each other may have led us to heightened fears that are less founded than we believe. Not to mention the movie and TV-show portrayals that flatter the divisive interpretations of men's and women's natures. I definitely welcome correction by those who know better, but while I acknowledge the possibility of scary encounters, I also think the actual likelihood of men behaving horrendously is very low in most environments and contexts. Incidentally, in those few cases where some unstable soul may react outrageously to a woman who rejects him, I hope and believe that any sane man nearby would approach to lend his own strength and aggression in her defense. (Not true in all environments, obvously.)
Films!
I hope you have seen the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, the one with Firth and Ehle. It's practically unearthly in its overall perfection and its ability to inspire.
Yes, Hildy Johnson! Quick, clever, funny, human. His Girl Friday = one of the most relentlessly and cleverly funny films of all time.
The Best Years of a Life. I haven't seen it yet, but the trailer is incredibly beautiful. I couldn't find out where to see it. It might be we'll have to buy the DVD (making sure to get the region code for wherever you are). The movie is another one by director Claude Lelouch, who tends to create wonderful films.
Anouk Aimee is something. If interested, here's a six-minute clip of an interview with her on Charlie Rose (en anglais):
There are several tribute videos to her as well. Not sure why I include this except that I've been smitten by her for years. Her and Charlotte Rampling.
If you find a place to watch Best Years, please let me know.
> Is your substack about film recommendations?
It's not *primarily* about film recommendations, but there are a lot of them there. Primarily, it's about all kinds of things, questions, and ideas that occur to me on all kinds of topics. However, one of my favorite things is recommending great movies and books that are still mostly unknown. Buried treasure. I add more as I discover them.
> I somehow can't access your homepage, only the links you sent me.
If this doesn't get you to my homepage, there's some serious weirdness I need to look into. Is it that the "Not just yet, thank you" link doesn't click through? Thank you for letting me know.
You were on the beach in Biarritz three days ago? I was there too, once upon a long time ago. Thanks for remembering it to me. It's great looking back.
I LOVE this. This is something I have observed, experienced, and talked about as well. Just yesterday I was in the mall and a man was staring at me. I accidentally saw him, made eye contact, and looked away while he kept staring. It is very true, what you discussed. Men seem to take it as a green light of sorts. Women, on the other hand, may often feel unsafe or even threatened or targeted with that same eye contact or stare from a man.
Thank you Amanda. t's so interesting how universal this experience seems to be among women. That mall situation you described is exactly the dynamic I was trying to capture.
I think there's something powerful about naming these shared experiences. For so long I thought maybe I was overthinking these interactions or being overly cautious, but hearing stories like yours confirms this is a common reality many of us navigate daily.
The contrast between how men and women often interpret the same interaction (green light vs. feeling potentially unsafe) really gets to the heart of what I was trying to explore.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for taking the time to read and connect.
Great piece and something that needs to be discussed more. Thanks for your resourcefulness.
As a man, I used to think that anytime a female would look at me it was because she had some interest or that she found me attractive, especially if it was repeated eye contact. Whether that was right or not I can't say it. What I know is that as a human being I do like when that happens-still. However, having made some inner work I now perceive any sort of eye contact with both genders as just an initial sign of normal human curiousness. I believe we all have a sixth sense of when a specific eye contact means something more than just normal curiosity.
Just today at the gym I observed a few people looking at me, and vice versa. In the past I would have built on that "connection" as a way to feel more confident in myself but now I just see that as merely curiosity-the nature of a human behaviour. We all check each other out all the time, whether we realize it or not. whether we like it or not, let's be honest. I understand sometimes boundaries can be crossed and we all come across some creepy individual from time to time. However, there are some research that prove that eye contact or random interactions with strangers can increase the level of satisfaction in a person's life.
Wonderful! For me, I try and break out of the stare and into a smile asap. Smiles are much warmer and less intense. Smiles rarely threaten. Even animals smile. And usually solicit a reciprocal response. And in the rare cases there is zero response I just look away, with nothing lost.
When a woman smiles at me, I never assume she finds me attractive. I assume, perhaps that she finds the moment attractive, or the energy. But rarely do I invest that with any sexual undertone or significance. Just two humans briefly colliding, coinciding, connecting.
I was recently in your situation at a dive bar a few weeks back. I was sitting down enjoying west African peanut soup while my friend chatted with someone at the bar. I noticed a group of six come in. They didn't seem as young as the usual 18-early 20 something year olds. (I was right they turned out to be in Medical school). Well among them were a couple East Indian women. I just gave short glances initially. Then a few moments later between sips of my soup I caught one of the women looking at me. She didn't look away but continued to stare and out of curiosity or awkwardness I stared back with a slight smile and she continued. I looked down briefly looked back up and again she was staring at me. I looked back wondering if one of her friends was maybe behind me but there wasn't anyone there. Then I thought maybe it was the karaoke screen that was positioned up in the corner in the back but it wasn't turned on yet. I thought "did she actually fancy me?"
Later in the night I caught her looking at me again. I wondered if she was really that forward and carefree to just check me out. I regret not going up to her and asking her about it. And wondered if our paths would ever cross at karaoke night again hah. I did find her attractive. But couldn't believe she was actually checking me out.
Ooh this is interesting to me! I've definitely had some of these weird awkward moments and I think it's so true, as a woman you have to be kind of careful. I was travelling by myself in Rome a couple years ago and I took myself out for dinner at this restaurant across the street from my hotel. I was sitting at a table outside and there was another guy sitting at a table by himself also (I think we were the only ones outside).
One of those guys came by (I think this is not so common in Spain maybe, but very common in Italy) selling little trinkets and bracelets. But at that time I didn't really understand what was going on so when he put the bracelet down on the table, I thought he was just giving it to me😂 (very naive I know)! So when he started demanding I give him money for it I was kind of flustered and just handed him a couple of euros even though I didn't really want to buy it.
Anyway the guy sitting at the table near me saw the whole thing, and I remember I looked at him and kind of chuckled, like laughing at myself for being such a dumb tourist. I just felt like we were two strangers sharing this little moment of camaraderie but he took it as an invitation to get up and ask if he could sit at my table and have dinner with me... Which was so not what I wanted! I had been looking forward to just having a quiet dinner by myself, and suddenly this man had invited himself over to my table because I'd smiled at him. I really didn't know how to say no (it would have been so awkward saying no and then having to stare at him over at the next table for my whole dinner) so I said yes, but I remember the conversation was just really stilted. Probably because my heart was so not in it. He wanted to go out after and I just made my excuses and headed back to my hotel😬
I'm sure he was a nice enough guy, but that day really did make me realize how a lot of men will take simple friendliness as something more. Sometimes I feel more reserved with my energy, but when I'm in a more extroverted mood it can be interesting sometimes seeing how what I'm perceiving as being friendly is taken as a deliberate invitation.
I really enjoyed this article, you definitely made me reflect😆
Skylar, thank you for sharing this story! Your experience in Rome perfectly captures the dilemma I was trying to describe. That moment when a simple shared smile over a funny situation somehow transforms into an unwanted dinner companion... I've been in similar situations where saying 'no' feels more awkward than enduring the interaction.
It's exactly that fine line between friendly acknowledgment and perceived invitation that can be so tricky to navigate. Like you, I sometimes find myself being more reserved just to avoid these misinterpretations.
And I see on myself how I get cautious when I travel solo. This trip I also had an encounter with a man first asking me for directions, then immediately as I told him where to go, he wanted to go for drinks with me and was telling me things like: "You look like you are afraid. Why are you so stiff? What are you afraid of? Don't be afraid! Ease, live your life."
What did he think I was afraid of? I am afraid of strange men telling me to not be afraid (duh).
Your story is such a perfect example of this dynamic. I really appreciate you taking the time to share it.
I started reading this positive that I wasn't hungry yet. I'm walking to the bakery right now for bread. Most of it won't make it home.
Gosh! This makes me laugh.
I have my fair share of moments like these. And I'm curious too how men react when us woman, look at them because we are curious about something not because we like them or some sort.
Maybe it's cultural, not a gender thing. You are in a strange country, Spain, and Skylar was in Rome. In other countries is perfectly normal make eye contact and even it's rude to look away without a small and polite greeting. Because in this countries, the lenguage, as Spanish or Italian, are lenguage who are contextual. So on many occasions someone could stare at you and don't have bad intensions, and sometimes they have it, it depends on the context.
Thank you for bringing up the cultural dimension! You make a really good point about how norms around eye contact and greetings vary across different countries.
I've noticed these differences during my travels too - some places definitely have more open social customs than others. Spanish and Italian cultures do tend to be more expressive and contextual in their communication. For example, where I'm from (Slovakia), people are much more reserved and it's completely the opposite - we don't politely greet strangers, nor do we make much eye contact. If you look at someone, smile, or greet them, people are more likely to frown at you like "what are you staring at?" rather than greeting you back! 😅
Also, when I travel solo I tend to be more cautious in general.
I try to stay aware of local customs when traveling, but I've found some patterns repeat regardless of location. Still, your comment is a good reminder not to view every interaction through just one lens!
Have you noticed differences in how these dynamics play out in various cultures you've experienced?
Of course when the person travel alone is preferably stay alert, and is better be rude that regret 😉. But, obviously, I talk from my experience. For example, as a woman (women?? 🤔) I could be able to make eye contact with many men (man??), without the sexual or even harrasment from their part. Just a smile or a greeting and everyone continue with their life. However, the French is known for that kind a way to search for sex, if the person stare directly, is indication that both part want that (sorry for my bad writing).
Whoa! This is a whole new perspective I'm getting to read. I have a few takes on this. However, I'll share one that comes to the top of my head:
Most cases, there's a possibility that both i.e. the one staring and the one staring back has some train of thought already running in their heads. So it's like passengers peering from adjacent trains. While their eyes may lock for a brief moment/second, they're both headed the opposite way.
Keeping that in mind I had written this some time last year:
"the eyes, they say, never lies.
the eyes, they say, cradles the soul.
these eyes mostly viewed
from the outsjde -
seldom gives away what it hides.
instead, it reflects the mind
of those that see.
the chatter fluttering in the heart.
the mess, that lies, deep within.
perhaps, the next time, think twice -
lest you assume,
them eyes
speak."
Yes, I agree, that is spot on. Sometimes you are so tangled in your thought or inner world that you don't even realise where are your eyes gazing. Very well said, I like the poem too.
Intriguing topic!
My take on this subject, with some movie recommendations at the bottom:
The fear of connecting with others via the eyes is ultimately a fear of talking to strangers; of disappointing them, turning them down, not knowing what to say. The looking and being noticed can make necessary an exchange that most of us aren't up to nowadays. In older times, people used to have no option but to interact in real life. Today, technology has made it so easy to avoid normal social anxieties that we've drifted to mainly talking through screens, so that we no longer have to risk the social disapproval of saying, out loud, to people we don't know yet, things like "Hi," and "No, but thank you." We even get the feeling that others consider an approach from a stranger unwelcome. We're quick to call people creeps and to refer to interactions as cringe when in fact people are mostly just humans trying to connect in a time of universally acknowledged universal loneliness. This has been made even worse by the unprecedented ideological hatred of recent times -- the trigger-finger, accusation-happy, chronically-high-cortisol environment of the public square. Human connection seems to have been third-railed.
Each of us might as well be living on tiny desert islands, insulated from the hundreds of people all around us who would be, could be, some of our best acquaintances, friends, colleagues, loves. But we seem unaccustomed to and apprehensive about moving around in the real world.
I don't think it's the natural state of things for people to worry about smiling at, looking at, or talking to strangers. We could jettison the timidity of the sterile time we've been bred to and deliberately recapture the spirit of a stronger, braver, more romantic and adventurous time when strangers looking at each other was universally acknowledged to be a normal and welcome part of being human. We shouldn't need to flinch at nominally awkward situations. We just need to relearn what our race (the human one) used to know about getting along.
Some people are born strong in this force, but others may have to cultivate it purposefully, in the course of which it could help to expose oneself to examples of interaction between the sexes via real life, or via books or movies. (The main purpose of art is to show us greatnesses we don't have but that are possible to us.) There might be better examples to be found from older times, before technology and political hatreds ruined everything.
At this late hour, I have no particular items to recommend off the top of my head, but I do remember seeing some great films with interesting characters that have some ways of being that might be worth contemplating. Just for fun, a few examples:
PRIDE & PREJUDICE (BBC version only). Elizabeth Bennet is a model of poise and humane and direct communication, even when she finds herself in a position to have to disappoint multiple suitors. https://theunexpectedworld.substack.com/p/pride-and-prejudice-1995?r=49p5on
TRAILER: THE BEST YEARS OF A LIFE (2019) Jean-Louis Trintignant, Anouk Aimée - HD Trailer - English Subtitles. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knkukzDXL74
History is Made at Night (Charles Boyer and Jean Arthur), 1937
EXTRAORDINARY STORY, AND WITH MUCH HUMOR AS WELL. FULL MOVIE FREE ON YOUTUBE. LINK HERE: https://theunexpectedworld.substack.com/p/history-is-made-at-night-1937?r=49p5on
His Girl Friday (Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell), Comedy, 1940
Watch Hildy Johnson's capable handling of the various men in this film, based on confidence, good humor, strength, ...
FULL MOVIE FREE ON YOUTUBE: https://youtu.be/7Lmq3Mn0GHs?t=1519
Also possibly instructive or inspiring could be interviews with interesting men and women of great wisdom or experience, many of them from older times.
Thank you for this perspective and the film recommendations! You raise interesting points about how technology has changed our comfort with face-to-face interactions.
While I agree that we've lost something in our retreat from direct human connection, I think there's another layer to consider, especially from a woman's perspective. The hesitation I described isn't just about social awkwardness - it often comes from experiences where women's friendliness has been misinterpreted, sometimes leading to uncomfortable or even unsafe situations.
What feels like 'timidity' from the outside can actually be a practical risk assessment many women have learned to make. It's less about fear of social awkwardness and more about navigating spaces where a simple acknowledgment can be taken as an invitation.
I love your film recommendations! Classic cinema does capture a different approach to social interaction. Elizabeth Bennet is a wonderful example of directness and poise, I need to rewatch that one again. And Hildy Johnson is great!
Do you know where I could watch THE BEST YEARS OF A LIFE? I would love to see that film, the trailer was perfect.
Thank you again for contributing to this conversation with such a thoughtful response.
Is your substack about film recommendations? I somehow can't access your homepage, only the links you sent me.
You're welcome! Thanks for your comments.
Being a guy, it was easy for me not to have noticed that other layer you mentioned. I take your point. I'm reminded of the lighthearted (maybe, maybe not) scene from Under the Tuscan Sun where three Italian guys see Frances walking down a cobblestone street in Italy and begin to follow behind her with loud and exaggerated protestations of love and other embarrassing and overwhelming cajolery. Similarly, from real life, I remember an experience related to me by a young American friend who once visited Italy. (I didn't intend to be picking on Italy like this ...) She had sat down on a marble bench in some museum, shortly after which a young Italian man sat down next to her, put his arm around her, and tried to persuade her to marry him. These two examples are just about embarrassment rather than danger, but obviously a whole spectrum of more serious kinds of unwelcome interactions are possible. No doubt about it.
Yeah, there's no way around the fact that there's an asymmetry of physical strength and aggression between the sexes that necessitates some basic risk assessment, as you say. I agree, but I will also say -- and I haven't had your experience or that of many other women -- it's my *suspicion* that the sexes in our society have been pushed in recent years to distrust each other much more than is warranted. Seems to me that the sensationalizing of a minority of scarier incidents and the quiet non-mentioning of a massive majority of examples of people being protective and supportive of each other may have led us to heightened fears that are less founded than we believe. Not to mention the movie and TV-show portrayals that flatter the divisive interpretations of men's and women's natures. I definitely welcome correction by those who know better, but while I acknowledge the possibility of scary encounters, I also think the actual likelihood of men behaving horrendously is very low in most environments and contexts. Incidentally, in those few cases where some unstable soul may react outrageously to a woman who rejects him, I hope and believe that any sane man nearby would approach to lend his own strength and aggression in her defense. (Not true in all environments, obvously.)
Films!
I hope you have seen the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, the one with Firth and Ehle. It's practically unearthly in its overall perfection and its ability to inspire.
Yes, Hildy Johnson! Quick, clever, funny, human. His Girl Friday = one of the most relentlessly and cleverly funny films of all time.
The Best Years of a Life. I haven't seen it yet, but the trailer is incredibly beautiful. I couldn't find out where to see it. It might be we'll have to buy the DVD (making sure to get the region code for wherever you are). The movie is another one by director Claude Lelouch, who tends to create wonderful films.
Anouk Aimee is something. If interested, here's a six-minute clip of an interview with her on Charlie Rose (en anglais):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAAlgpCvR3Y
There are several tribute videos to her as well. Not sure why I include this except that I've been smitten by her for years. Her and Charlotte Rampling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjG0Q_aBYbs
If you find a place to watch Best Years, please let me know.
> Is your substack about film recommendations?
It's not *primarily* about film recommendations, but there are a lot of them there. Primarily, it's about all kinds of things, questions, and ideas that occur to me on all kinds of topics. However, one of my favorite things is recommending great movies and books that are still mostly unknown. Buried treasure. I add more as I discover them.
> I somehow can't access your homepage, only the links you sent me.
Curious! Try this direct link: https://theunexpectedworld.substack.com/
If this doesn't get you to my homepage, there's some serious weirdness I need to look into. Is it that the "Not just yet, thank you" link doesn't click through? Thank you for letting me know.
You were on the beach in Biarritz three days ago? I was there too, once upon a long time ago. Thanks for remembering it to me. It's great looking back.
I LOVE this. This is something I have observed, experienced, and talked about as well. Just yesterday I was in the mall and a man was staring at me. I accidentally saw him, made eye contact, and looked away while he kept staring. It is very true, what you discussed. Men seem to take it as a green light of sorts. Women, on the other hand, may often feel unsafe or even threatened or targeted with that same eye contact or stare from a man.
Thank you Amanda. t's so interesting how universal this experience seems to be among women. That mall situation you described is exactly the dynamic I was trying to capture.
I think there's something powerful about naming these shared experiences. For so long I thought maybe I was overthinking these interactions or being overly cautious, but hearing stories like yours confirms this is a common reality many of us navigate daily.
The contrast between how men and women often interpret the same interaction (green light vs. feeling potentially unsafe) really gets to the heart of what I was trying to explore.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for taking the time to read and connect.
Great piece and something that needs to be discussed more. Thanks for your resourcefulness.
As a man, I used to think that anytime a female would look at me it was because she had some interest or that she found me attractive, especially if it was repeated eye contact. Whether that was right or not I can't say it. What I know is that as a human being I do like when that happens-still. However, having made some inner work I now perceive any sort of eye contact with both genders as just an initial sign of normal human curiousness. I believe we all have a sixth sense of when a specific eye contact means something more than just normal curiosity.
Just today at the gym I observed a few people looking at me, and vice versa. In the past I would have built on that "connection" as a way to feel more confident in myself but now I just see that as merely curiosity-the nature of a human behaviour. We all check each other out all the time, whether we realize it or not. whether we like it or not, let's be honest. I understand sometimes boundaries can be crossed and we all come across some creepy individual from time to time. However, there are some research that prove that eye contact or random interactions with strangers can increase the level of satisfaction in a person's life.
Conclusion is that we are just human.
Wonderful! For me, I try and break out of the stare and into a smile asap. Smiles are much warmer and less intense. Smiles rarely threaten. Even animals smile. And usually solicit a reciprocal response. And in the rare cases there is zero response I just look away, with nothing lost.
When a woman smiles at me, I never assume she finds me attractive. I assume, perhaps that she finds the moment attractive, or the energy. But rarely do I invest that with any sexual undertone or significance. Just two humans briefly colliding, coinciding, connecting.
I know all there is to know about the crying game…
Hello Claudia,
I was recently in your situation at a dive bar a few weeks back. I was sitting down enjoying west African peanut soup while my friend chatted with someone at the bar. I noticed a group of six come in. They didn't seem as young as the usual 18-early 20 something year olds. (I was right they turned out to be in Medical school). Well among them were a couple East Indian women. I just gave short glances initially. Then a few moments later between sips of my soup I caught one of the women looking at me. She didn't look away but continued to stare and out of curiosity or awkwardness I stared back with a slight smile and she continued. I looked down briefly looked back up and again she was staring at me. I looked back wondering if one of her friends was maybe behind me but there wasn't anyone there. Then I thought maybe it was the karaoke screen that was positioned up in the corner in the back but it wasn't turned on yet. I thought "did she actually fancy me?"
Later in the night I caught her looking at me again. I wondered if she was really that forward and carefree to just check me out. I regret not going up to her and asking her about it. And wondered if our paths would ever cross at karaoke night again hah. I did find her attractive. But couldn't believe she was actually checking me out.