The Staring Game: what happens when women look at men

On misread signals, gender dynamics, and the different ways we experience being seen.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Have you ever noticed how differently men and women experience the simple act of looking at each other? What for one person is innocent curiosity can become, in an instant, a misinterpreted signal or even an unwanted advance.

These complex dynamics of looking and being seen have been on my mind lately as I wander through Spain. I've found myself navigating the unspoken rules of the staring game – sometimes amusing, sometimes awkward, always revealing something about how we connect across genders.

Of course, not all fleeting connections with strangers are complicated. Some are beautiful moments of shared humanity, like my encounter with a bus driver in Bilbao. These tiny exchanges have become especially treasured as I've found traveling in a motorhome to be not as social as I expected. Maybe because of the wintering?

I went exploring through Bilbao recently, choosing to climb upward rather than stay in the city center. I wanted nature and perspective. Coming down from the hill, I experienced a beautiful sunset that painted the river in the city pink - matching the illuminated cloud hovering directly above it.

Sunset in Bilbao

On my way home, I spotted a tiny butcher shop with a friendly older man selling meat. I tied Casper to the railing and went in. The man sliced me some bacon for Carbonara (I know, it wasn’t pancetta, but it is Spanish bacon, what could go wrong?), and I bought a huge, long baguette from him. We chatted for a while, as much as my weak Spanish allowed. But I was able to explain that I don't live here long-term, but we've been traveling across Spain since December.

I couldn't resist nibbling on the enormous baguette. Casper trotted obediently by my side, something he rarely does on his own, but always when I have food. At the pedestrian crossing, a bus stopped. I was walking across when I noticed the woman behind the wheel. She was beautiful, with long hazelnut-colored hair that reminded me of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Except she was driving a BUS! Not that I doubt Julia could do it. In fact, now I can imagine it would suit her perfectly. It was a very brief interaction, but somehow beautiful.

Imagine it from both perspectives. You're a bus driver. You drive, routinely, every day. You see different people, witness many situations, but after some time the drives become repetitive, everyday occurrences. Yet maybe a few moments happen each day that bring a smile to your face. One of those was during a sunset, when you stopped at a red light, and crossing the pedestrian path was a woman with a fox-like dog trotting beside her, unable to take his eyes off the baguette from which the woman was eagerly taking bites as she crossed. A baguette as big as her entire upper body. Then she catches your eye and smiles with her mouth full, notices you laughing at her, waves to you, and continues on.

From the other side, it looked like this: Pleased with my Spanish conversation with the friendly butcher, I'm heading home with my exhausted dog, who managed to roll in cow sh*t during our walk. Classic. Animal one is still the better option, Casper has worse things in his repertoire.

Do you know when baguette tastes the best? When you are carrying it home under your arm, of course. It will never have such value at any other moment. I'm joyfully biting into it when suddenly... well, you know the rest of this really short story. I waved at her, and that interaction made me happy because I know that simply by existing, I brought a smile to a stranger's face. And despite only seeing each other for seconds, a relationship formed between us. It's beautiful to connect with strangers. Even for just a flying moment. They're sitting on a bus, and you're walking down the street.

I had to make a picture

And it's not as awkward as what sometimes happens to me, in a car, we stop at a red light, a bus stops next to you, you look over and suddenly, completely unintentionally, lock in eye contact with a stranger who then keeps looking your way longer than you'd like. Yes, the so-called accidental eye contact.

---

What really happens when women look at men?

In Madrid, I was in El Retiro Park. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I went on a date with myself. I visited a bookstore, my usual activity when I take myself on a date, and bought my first book in Spanish! It was a very charming bookstore with the same name as the book I chose: "Amapolas en Octubre" - or "Poppies in October." I didn't realize it immediately, but later discovered the book was written by the woman who founded this bookstore!

I was entering El Retiro with the book in hand, and by the pond on the steps sat many people, sunbathing, drinking, talking, laughing, and listening to a young man playing flamenco on the guitar. Those really complicated Spanish finger-picking patterns. He had his guitar connected to a speaker. Music extremely interests me, and since I'm learning to play guitar (I'm self-taught with no great ambitions, but I can play songs I want to sing, which is enough for now), and having always been around musicians, it seemed to me that based on how his playing sounded versus how it looked, he wasn't actually playing it all! It was too effortless. I needed to figure out whether he was really playing it all, or to what extent the music was coming from the speakers. I stared at him.

Retiro Park, Madrid

So I stared so intently that he noticed. And then he began staring intensely at me. Aaaah crap. Suddenly it was quite awkward. I didn't want to stop looking because I still hadn't figured out whether he was playing or not (I would really say the more he looked at me, the more convinced I became he was somehow faking it). But now it turned into something else, the musician was smiling at me from ear to ear. I did not want to give him the wrong impression. So to avoid making the situation something it wasn’t, I looked away and deliberately didn't look back, despite feeling his gaze on me for quite a long time afterward.

Torrevieja

Days later, my husband and I were walking through another city, Torrevieja, and in the garage of an auto repair shop, some guys had set up a homemade gym and were working out. He was looking at them and said to me: "Look how they're going at it, they've got a good setup there."

I told him: "I won't look. I don't want them to think I'm checking them out."

"Why?"

"Because... what would you think if you were working out and a woman was watching you?"

"That I'm handsome!", he says jokingly.

"See?! This is exactly why women avoid looking at men! Because you all immediately think that when we look in your direction, it must be because we find you attractive! When sometimes it might be because we're investigating whether you're just pretending to play the guitar!"

"Well, maybe you would made their day better."

I remembered the situation with the guitar player in Madrid.

I then tried to explain to him another thing that is not fair, when you are a woman. He could look at those guys and it would lead to nothing. Me, as a woman, on the other hand have to be cautious about where I look.

Streets of Valencia

In Valencia I was riding a metro to the city. I am usually not the type to stare into my phone when riding in public transport (what psycho, right?) because I like to watch people and my surroundings (it is a metro that does not ride in the underground the whole time). But I don’t stare into your eyes! I am not that creepy. So this time, I just looked outside the window and suddenly I felt very intense stare and saw a man across me that stopped staring at his phone and was staring right in my eyes. For quite a long time. So again, I had to look elsewhere. Because for a moment we stared at each other and I could feel how confused we were. He was sitting right in front of the window I was looking out, so I guess he felt that there is someone looking at him because I haven’t had my head down looking at my phone. Because his look was really confused. Maybe he was thinking we knew each other from somewhere and was trying to remember.

---

Now, I would like to know what are your experiences with these awkward connections, or accidental staring. And also, from the other side, when you catch a man stare, do you think it has to be because he likes you? Because me, I usually feel a little cautious when men stare. When your gazes meet more that you would like to. I usually put my guard right up. I would think most men don’t feel threatened by our gazes. Let me know! I want to know the opinions on both sides of this!

What fleeting connections with strangers have stayed with you long after they happened? I'd also love to hear your stories of the lovely and meaningful moments.